Mark Cuban has officially joined the cast for the upcoming monstrosity that is Sharknado 3. He joins a list of other sort-of actors, Jerry Springer, Ann Cutler and Tara Reid in what is sure to be a horrible mess of a film. This is the third in a trilogy marked by insane plots, horrendous CGI and what could barely be called acting. It will be revealed to the world this July, and I can barely contain my excitement.
No one expects this film to be good. I doubt even the directors believe this to be good cinema. It is made to be a spectacle not a movie. These films are as visceral as images and sounds can get. And they would never waste their time connecting these sights with a bothersome plot.
What makes Sharknado so enjoyable? How can a film with so little artistic value have such a strong following? Shlock has always been able to make its money back. The recent success of 50 Shades of Grey proves that. There has always been, and always will be a crowd for the horrible.
On Steam there is a video game called Goat Simulator. The title is very accurate. You play as a goat and you wonder about town. The game is horrible. It’s riddled with bugs, and unplayable controls. The physics make no sense and the objectives are dull. Yet it is hilarious and one of the most fun games I’ve ever played. It has no structure and incurable mistakes. The physics make your goat indestructible and the gameplay is madness. Nothing made sense but it was so enjoyable to witness the insanity.
When something is trying to be horrible it can create something truly unique. Good films must follow some inherent sense of rules, and even when a great director breaks these rules they do it for their own personal reasons. But a bad film has no knowledge of these rules. A bad film isn’t concerned with integrity, or art, or message. They only have one thought in mind, ‘Is it cool?”. Every shlocky film begins their pitch with, Wouldn’t it be cool if. Wouldn’t it be cool if a shark flew through the air and ate somebody? Wouldn’t it be cool if two giant monsters fought over Tokyo? Wouldn’t it be cool if a gorilla learned kung-fu?
Rules be damned if they didn’t end up shooting those cool ideas. It didn’t matter if the camera was held by a buffoon, or your actors played by fools. There is something visceral when you watch something insane happen. No reason, no rhyme, just cool things on film. Made by someone who really thought it would be cool.
We live in a lucky moment in human history. For the first time we will be able to see what it would look like if our President, played by Mark Cuban, was chased through the White house by a tornado of sharks. And I for one think that would look very, very cool.
